


We, The Sufferers

by SalamanderSoliloquy



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Adult Humor, Alternate Universe - Non-Despair (Dangan Ronpa), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Big Sorry to Shuichi this man is gonna have to deal with so much bs, Break Up, Childhood Trauma, Everyone’s an adult, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt oh my god so much guilt, Healing, Human K1-B0 - Freeform, Iruma Miu Being Iruma Miu, It's Not Paranoia If They're Really Out To Get You, Korekiyo’s Sister is still the Worst, M/M, More characters to be added, Mystery, No Incest, Paranoia, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Possession, Post-Break Up, Pregame (kind of), Psychological Horror, Psychological Trauma, Sorry Amami, Sorry Korekiyo, Suicide Attempt, They are literally all a mess, Trauma, but then I was like “wait no what if I make it sad??”, except Kiibo he’s doing great, it’s very briefly mentioned but watch out, kind of horror i guess, living with an ex, no beta we die like men, no explicit nsfw content but still felt like clarifying that, oh my god they were roommates, probably some mild gore to come, sorry Kokichi, sorry miu, this started out like a cheesy 80’s slasher film
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-09
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:27:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,393
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27750757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SalamanderSoliloquy/pseuds/SalamanderSoliloquy
Summary: Korekiyo’s sister died when he was 16. He tried to follow her but managed to survive his suicide attempt. After being released from the hospital he tries to do his best to move forward, not move on per say, just tries to find reasons to stay alive. A boyfriend helped. Rantaro helped. But it didn’t last. Kiyo is freshly 20 now, still surprisingly alive even if he’s not got much going for him. Just the empty apartment he’d grown up in and the haunting memories and dreams of his deceased older sister.Until Rantaro, who’d made it clear when they’d broken up that he thought it was best if they cut off contact for good, pops back into his life. And he’s...changed. He’s familiar, yes, but in a different way. He almost seems like...but no...that’s impossible...right?
Relationships: Akamatsu Kaede & Shirogane Tsumugi, Akamatsu Kaede/Saihara Shuichi, Amami Rantaro & Shirogane Tsumugi, Amami Rantaro/Shinguji Korekiyo (past), Harukawa Maki/Momota Kaito, Iruma Miu & Oma Kokichi, Iruma Miu & Oma Kokichi & Shinguji Korekiyo, Iruma Miu & Shinguji Korekiyo, Iruma Miu/K1-B0, Iruma Miu/Oma Kokichi (past), Kirigiri Kyoko & Saihara Shuichi, Momota Kaito & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi & Saihara Shuichi, Oma Kokichi/Shinguji Korekiyo, Saihara Shuichi & Shinguji Korekiyo
Comments: 9
Kudos: 32





	1. Prologue Part I: A Dedicated Protege

**Author's Note:**

> Oh boy oh boy I’m on my bullshit huzzah. Anyways some TW’s: there will be a lot of mentions of abuse, gaslighting, victim blaming etc in this. BUT no inc*st because that’s just.....no.

_Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching._

It was Charles Dickens who penned the thought into his infamous tale of vice, aging, betrayal, love against all reason, and yes, _suffering._ It was a concept that rang true to Shinguji Korekiyo, that was for certain. A truth that was seared into his soul long before he ever picked up the English author’s novel of growth through tragedy. 

It was an inarguable truth. A fact that spanned across every culture on earth. It transcended politics, customs, language, and time. The intrinsic way suffering wove itself into the very fabric of history was evidence enough of that. After all, what use would history be if not for people living in the present, with their futures still stretched out before them, to study from and learn from. To head, in hopes of sparing themselves future suffering. Such was the nature of suffering’s painful lessons.

Suffering, much like the many shapeshifters that existed in many cultures mythology in varying iterations, could take many different forms. It was a tricky thing like that, but such was the nature of the teacher, suffering. After all, if it were always so easily spotted it would be too easily avoided. And then what lesson was learned? What personal growth or self improvements were made? If you were not taught by suffering, what were you taught by?

-

For Korekiyo, the first skin suffering took upon itself in order to teach him was that of his father’s death when he was six. He did not remember his father all that well. Only the smell of his cigarettes, only the deep timbre of his voice when he’d chastise his only son for behaving more like a second daughter, only the steadying nature of his calloused hands, only the bright golden eyes that were mirrored in both of his children. His artist’s signature on his final creation before he died. It was an accident at the construction site he’d worked at, completely unforeseen and unpreventable. 

Korekiyo remembered crying at his funeral, shaky sobs muffled into his older sister’s side. Sister had been crying as well, but she remained a grounding presence for Korekiyo that day. It had been one of many defining moments in his early years that solidified Sister as his rock, his strength, his everything. Surely, the lesson suffering was teaching to him then by taking his father away so suddenly was to show him who he could rely on. Show him who he could depend and lean on, Sister.

His mother had not cried that day. In fact she seemed to barely blink throughout the entirety of the funeral. She didn’t speak either, leaving Sister responsible for giving a tearful eulogy for her father while her baby brother trembled in his seat waiting desperately for her to finish so he could cling to her once more. His mother didn’t acknowledge either of them until it was time to leave the freshly covered grave his casket had been lowered into. Stone-faced, she led the children back to the car and drove home in silence, despite Sister’s attempts to get her to speak and Korekiyo’s choked inquiries if “mommy was ok”. 

This proved to become the new norm for the Shinguji household. Her husband’s untimely death all but shut Korekiyo’s mother down completely. She spent her days in a wordless daze, working, coming home, drinking glass after glass of wine until Sister led her off to bed. Korekiyo, still a six year old child at the time, was understandably confused by the drastic change in his mother who used to be so attentive and affectionate and _alive._ Now it seemed she was only there in a physical sense, her soul leaving her to join her husband after the funeral. He naively wondered why she no longer wanted to make him meals or play piano or read to him. 

Her decrease in functionality and motivation, unfortunately, left Sister, who was only fifteen at the time and still mourning the loss of a father she had much more of a bond with than a Korekiyo could’ve ever had being so little, to pick up those missing pieces. This was doubly taxing on her given her chronic illness that left her frequently in and out of hospitals. Knowing that it would eventually take her, it was only a matter of when. 

Even at his young age, Korekiyo’s heart hurt for Sister. How could it not? 

She spent more and more of her life as time passed confined to a hospital bed, unable to attend school or make friends or any other normal things a teenage girl her age would do. And the time she _did_ spend at home was mostly filled by looking after her baby brother, making sure he was fed, making sure he was away from their mother when she became too intoxicated and began stumbling about and slurring words of how much she hated her life, as it’d always frightened him and made him cry to see her in such a state.

Yes, Sister was another pupil of suffering without a doubt, what was left of the Shinguji family was. 

-

Perhaps then, it was a natural progression that they themselves morphed into incarnations of suffering. 

Mother, an empty shell of her former self, was a form of suffering for her children with her irresponsible alcoholism and general neglect. In turn they were a form of suffering for her with Sister’s strong domineering personality that was so much like her father’s and both of their eyes which were perfect copies of his. Korekiyo, too, was a form of suffering for Sister, as much as it filled him with gut wrenching, soul rotting guilt. After all, he was young and helpless. He needed a guardian, and since neither of his parents were able to provide that for him, Sister was all but thrust into that role despite being nothing but a teenager herself. 

He was timid and dependent, he needed her for everything. Sister was not shy in reminding him what a burden he was to her merely by existing. He couldn’t argue with the statement and could only whimper apology after apology for the trouble he caused by living with all the fervor and sincerity only a child could have. But he couldn’t help but find himself more and more visiting her hospital bed, desperate for the attention he wasn’t receiving at home. All he wanted was someone who could tell him what to do, help him understand his rapidly changing world, someone he could rely on. Though his child mind couldn’t comprehend what was happening, hindsight made it clear that subconsciously Korekiyo was aware that despite her still physically being there, his mother had abandoned him. And he had sought out a new guardian figure to replace her.

Sister truly had no choice in the matter it seemed. She was too kind of a person to let Korekiyo pass on before her due to utter abandonment. That’s what Korekiyo had always believed anyways. Despite her grieving the loss of her father and truly, the loss of her mother, despite the illness that ravaged her life, despite the cruel reminder Korekiyo was of everything she could never have, despite his selfish childish neediness, she was too kind to simply let him die of neglect. Yes, Korekiyo was nothing more than an incarnation of suffering in Sister’s life. It was something he loathed about himself but could not fix no matter how desperately he wished to.

She truly was his guardian angel, his hero, his world. He did not deserve her and yet he had her. She reminded him of this often, especially when he was particularly young and childish, back when he was still prone to fits before she had benevolently taught him how to behave through divine retribution. Sister taught him many things once it became clear she was to be the one to raise him. How fitting, then, was it that she became an incarnation of suffering in his life? 

After all, it was she who taught him about the world, it was she who created his views, thoughts, and feelings. It was she who guided him with a strong hand, quick to correct him through whatever means necessary. If suffering as a teacher shapes its student, then surely Sister shaped Korekiyo into the person he was today. 

Sister was not a gentle teacher, not that Korekiyo deserved patience or sweetness from her. He deserved _nothing_ and it was a fact that was seared into his soul from the moment Sister took over the role of rearing him. She would not tolerate ingratitude from him. Not that his overwhelming gratitude for her ever wavered. Sister did not tolerate a lot of things. Once she was fully in charge of him things once again changed for Korekiyo. Unlike before with his mother who couldn’t even be present enough to acknowledge him most of the time, let alone set a standard for how Korekiyo was to behave, Sister was very strict about setting structure in his life.

There were lots of rules with Sister. Failure to comply, whether through intentional rebellion or through mistake, were punished harshly. It didn’t matter if Sister was at home released from the hospital or bedridden, Korekiyo would not get away with any real or perceived insubordination. The gentlest punishment he received for small mistakes was a few quick slaps to the face before being instructed to apologize. But as time went on, the punishments got more serious, as did the rules. 

As they got older and Sister’s health worsened, she became more fixated on the injustice of how able bodied Korekiyo was. All of the luxuries he had. So she tried to seek out balance, _fairness,_ between them. 

It didn’t really become noticeable until after one dreary winter night at home, after their mother had already passed out in front of the tv with a now empty wine bottle. 

_-_

_Sister had been released from the hospital that afternoon but with the knowledge that it wouldn’t be long before she was back there, stuck wasting away slowly in her blank hospital room. Korekiyo, who was eight at the time, had been ecstatic about Sister coming home and had spent the whole morning deep cleaning the apartment in hopes she’d be pleased to come home to a clean home. She didn’t say anything to acknowledge his efforts._

_Sister was clearly in a foul mood and as much as Korekiyo had wanted to remain positive to try and lift her spirits, her quiet mounting anger set him on edge. After making sure their mother was fast asleep, Sister had instructed Korekiyo to follow her to her room. Korekiyo had taken extra care cleaning Sister’s room that morning, attempting to make it look like she’d never left it. She ignored this too and shut the door behind them. Korekiyo watched as she made her way to her bed with the help of her cane, legs still a bit weak from lack of use._

_Without a word, she beckoned Korekiyo to approach where she was sitting on the edge of the bed. Once he was standing before her with his hands clasped in front of him demurely (_ to hide the way they were shaking _) she spoke._

_“You and mother were late to pick me up today,” she began, “why?”_

_Korekiyo blanched, “I- I- ah- well, you see, I-“_

_“Do not stutter, Korekiyo,” she admonished firmly, “where were you?”_

_Korekiyo bowed his head in shame, “A birthday party,” he answered meekly._

_“A birthday party?”_

_His breath hitched at the way he suddenly couldn’t read her tone at all._

_“Yes,” he nodded, guilt welling up inside of him already, “a girl from school invited me to go to her birthday party last week. It was before we knew when you were going to be released I-. I had hoped mother could pick me up early to come get you but um, well, she was late to pick me up.”_

_“So you are going to try and brush over your responsibility in the situation?”_

_It wasn’t a question, it was an accusation._

_Korekiyo shook his head wildly, suddenly very afraid. He was giving the wrong answers. He wasn’t taking accountability. He was disappointing her._

_“N-no! I should’ve just not gone to the party, I thought we could make it on time but I should’ve known that-“_

_“Even if you could’ve been on time,” Sister interrupted, “even if I wasn’t coming home today, you shouldn’t have gone.”_

_Korekiyo quieted, shifting uncomfortably under Sister’s searing gaze._

_“Tell me, Korekiyo, how many birthday parties have I been able to attend?”_

_Korekiyo’s lip trembled, “None,” it was practically a whisper._

_“How is it fair, then, that you decide to go to one knowing your sister who gives you_ everything _despite being so ill has never and_ will _never get to attend one?”_

_“It’s not,” he muttered, tears budding in the corner of his eyes._

_“Speak up, Korekiyo, you mustn’t mumble.” Her voice is sharp, she was beginning to lose patience._

_“It’s not fair, Sister,” Korekiyo repeated, still looking at the ground._

_“Korekiyo, look at me,” he obeyed instantly, “you were selfish, Korekiyo. Wouldn’t you agree?”_

_He nodded, swallowing back a sob. In that moment he wished he could disappear and his shame along with him._

_“I was selfish, Sister, I’m so sorry. It won’t happen again.”_

_“I don’t believe you.”_

_Ice shot up his spine and Korekiyo could no longer mask his shaking. Sister stood up, and with a deafening_ crack, _slapped her brother across the face. Korekiyo stood there, knowing that couldn’t possibly be it. There was going to be more to this punishment. It’s what he deserved, after all._

_“I had hoped that I’d raised you better than this. That I’d shown you through my own actions towards you that selflessness is so important. Everything I do, I do for you. Were you just ignorant to that? Or do you purposely ignore that for your own convenience?”_

_Tears streaking his stinging face, Korekiyo whimpered, “No, Sister, I see the many sacrifices you make for me, I just was blinded by my own selfish wants. No one had ever invited me to one before and I-“_

Slap!

_“Neither have I, you greedy child!” her patience had run dry it seemed, as she brought her hand down to strike him again. Korekiyo could do little more than tremble and let out pained cries whenever she’d hit him._

_“What happened to fairness, Korekiyo? Do you really care so little for me that you’d put your own wants, wants you_ shouldn’t _even have, above me? Do you like reminding me of all the things I can never have that you can? Does that sound_ fair _to you?”_

_Korekiyo couldn’t form words at that point, the apologies building up in his throat choked by the pain and the guilt. Sister must’ve taken his silence for insolence because the next thing he knew, it wasn’t her hand across his face, it was her cane striking him in the shoulder causing him to collapse to the floor with a shout of pain._

_“Answer me, Korekiyo! Why do you love to rub it in? Why am I the one who must be forced to slowly wither away with nothing? Why am I the one who must take on raising such an ungrateful child? Why couldn’t it be you?”_

_“I- I don’t know,” he sobbed, not even moving to stand up, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”_

_She was crying as well by this point, and she threw the cane across the room, giving Korekiyo a swift kick to the stomach before falling back to sitting on her bed._

_“It’s not fair! None of this is fair! Apologize, apologize for this! Apologize, Korekiyo! Apologize apologize apologize apologize-“_

_What else could he do but comply?_

_He wailed a litany of broken apologies. It was all Korekiyo could do, he dared not ask for forgiveness. He knew she wouldn’t give it. He knew he didn’t deserve it._

_They both cried well into the night, her demanding an apology, him apologizing until both their voices were hoarse._

_Neither were sure when they fell asleep with Sister in her bed and Korekiyo curled up on the floor. But the next morning, Korekiyo stood up, shuddering at the bruises that’d formed on his cheek, shoulder, and stomach from Sister’s wrath. She was still asleep, her breaths coming out stilted and ragged. Despite her anger, despite the power she put into his punishment the night before, she was still ill. She was still slowly dying. It still wasn’t fair._

_-_

After that night there was a noticeable shift in their dynamic and in Korekiyo himself. Sister now kept her composure under any circumstance. Though her patience had shortened and her punishments became harsher, Korekiyo never saw her composure slip again. New rules were set in place too. They weren’t so hard to follow really, if Sister couldn’t have or do something, Korekiyo shouldn’t either. No, things had to be fair. And honestly, how much of a sacrifice was it really? Who needed friends when he had Sister? He didn’t really mind spending all his time either at home, at school, at the hospital, or on a bus between one of those locations. It wasn’t like Korekiyo was an extrovert, he often got nervous in crowded places anyways. And he’d always had a small appetite so restricting it just a bit further to a nearly completely liquid diet wasn’t very hard.

All in all these were minor sacrifices to make when compared to what Sister gave up for him, her childhood. That’s what she’d told him and he believed her wholeheartedly. Korekiyo wanted to make things as balanced as they possibly could be given the situation. He grew out his hair, he tried to mirror her appearance as much as possible. This too was not something he felt hesitant to do. Korekiyo had always been fairly feminine for a boy, something his father had been disgruntled by, something his classmates alienated him for, something he was sure he’d feel ashamed for if not for Sister. Sister loved his feminine nature, his softness, his appreciation for beauty, his demure demeanor. 

Sister’s moments of gentleness with him were cherished memories. Sweet moments such as when she’d taught him how to apply her bright red lipstick to his own lips. Or when she’d make him little outfits, always androgynous as he preferred, and dress him up like her own personal doll. Or when she’d be released for a short while and Korekiyo could serve her tea for just a moment of praise and warmth. All memories he’d cling to during his shameful moments of internally questioning if Sister really did love him at all.

How could she not after everything she’d done for him? He’d happily take the punishments, the bruises, the cuts, even the occasional burns if it meant he was becoming better. Better for her. He’d break off whatever pieces of himself he could for her. Chip away to make himself smaller and less burdensome. It was never enough, they both knew that, but it was all Korekiyo could do and Sister was benevolent to accept his meager efforts so long as he continued them.

They’d reached a sort of homeostasis as a family. Mother provided financially, Sister raised Korekiyo, and Korekiyo obeyed Sister, accepted his punishments gracefully, and made sure that their mother was doing at least the bare minimum to care for herself. It was unconventional but it worked for them. Korekiyo couldn’t say any of them were happy, but they were managing. 

And then his mother died. An overdose with a forgotten bottle of oxycodone they’d kept at the house for when Sister was permitted to stay at home. Korekiyo was the one to find her body upon coming home from school. Swallowing back bile, he’d called the police before calling the hospital to inform Sister.

-

Korekiyo did not cry at his mother’s funeral, neither did Sister. After all, she’d left them years ago, the funeral they were having wasn’t for their mother but for the empty husk she’d left behind. Korekiyo mourned his mother’s “passing” already when he was six. He was 14 now. There were no more tears left to shed on her behalf, even if he would always love her. 

Sister’s love for her, however, had dried up with her tears all those years ago. While Korekiyo was subdued and passive during the short funeral, Sister was cold and bitter. Even at twenty-three, now a proper adult and no longer the fifteen year old girl forced into adulthood way too young, she’d never forgiven their mother for abandoning them. Korekiyo silently thought to himself that it was because she never apologized to Sister for it. Not that an apology would ever be enough. 

There wasn’t as much of a shift in the way they lived their lives after their mother’s death honestly. Korekiyo simply had to take care of groceries while Sister handled the bills. She was able to find a job that she could work for remotely through a computer so she could still work even when she was more permanently residing at the hospital. None of the rules or punishments changed. Neither did Korekiyo’s conviction to emulate Sister. 

It was almost as if she was never there. The thought used to fill Korekiyo with pity for his poor mother whose grief truly consumed her until her final days, but it remained a fact. He’d never blame her for the way she turned out, unlike Sister. Korekiyo had always been fascinated with the concept of death, likely due to his early exposure to it, and couldn’t very well study concepts such as death, different cultures’ beliefs about the afterlife, etc. without learning about grieving and the different ways death impacts a person’s life. Addiction wasn’t too uncommon of a response to losing a loved one, neither was despondency. Especially when she’d never allowed herself to address her grief, it was only natural it’d overtake her. Perhaps it was too much of a clinical and impersonal way to view his mother’s _suicide,_ but Korekiyo, for all his research on death and mourning, was not sure how to grieve her. It was the same with his father, they were both taken from him too young (his father physically, his mother in every way except physical) to be able to leave him with any feeling other than a vague hollowness. More of a wish he could’ve really _known_ them than pain at them being gone.

Besides, he still had Sister. He wasn’t naive enough to believe he’d have her forever, but so long as she was there he would have guidance, strength, and direction in his life. That was all he needed, really. He thought so anyways. Sister, for her part, merely moved along, never speaking of their mother again. Yes, truly it was as if she was never there. As if they’d never had parents at all, as if Sister had raised him all along. And she really had, even if she’d only officially taken on the burden of it when he was six, did anything before that matter if Korekiyo could barely remember it?

-

High school was not kind to Korekiyo. It made sense of course, it was the age where people who didn’t fit into _any_ clique no matter how niche were more firmly labeled as other and unwanted. Where people like not-quite-right Korekiyo with his “girly” demeanor, his peculiar fixation on death, and his antisocial behavior were put “in their place” below everyone else. It was a time where kids at the top of the food chain like Momota Kaito would make an example out of him to show what would happen if you didn’t conform to fit into one group or another. It was a time where even other victims of the more “popular kids” like Ouma Kokichi would make sure to differentiate himself from those at the very bottom of the food chain by picking on Korekiyo as well. As if to say _well I’m not as bad as him, right_?

Korekiyo, who at that point was used to verbal and physical assault, simply did his best to take his peers’ clear dislike of him in stride. After all, he wasn’t exactly someone with a lot of dignity to pride himself with. Still, he attempted to remain poised and graceful ( _like Sister taught him)_ whenever he was subjected to slurs or taunting or the tripping. There were, of course, a handful of times his patience waned and he’d snark back to his tormentors with varying results. With kids like Kokichi, who clearly harbored some sort of insecurity, likely a result of also being a bit of a social reject, the most Korekiyo would get in return would be another insult, usually a weaker jab than the previous ones, before they’d scurry off having decided Korekiyo wasn’t worth the effort. 

It was never that easy with kids like Kaito. Korekiyo supposed Kaito must also struggle with some level of insecurity, as cliche as the notion sounded, because why else would he react so poorly to receiving the same biting words he dishes out to everyone else? There seemed to be a disconnect between what was considered acceptable in Kaito’s world. He could refer to Korekiyo with any derogatory name or slur, usually homophobic, in his vernacular. But Korekiyo snapping one day and asking what he felt to be the very _valid_ question of _if you’re so bothered by me and my preferences, why do you go out of your way to be around me,_ landed him with a busted lip and bruised ribs. Typical. Though, to be fair, Korekiyo had known in that moment that he was baiting the bully. It was as Sister always said when he’d forget himself and question her, resulting in punishment every time without fail, _don’t stick your hand into an open flame and then cry about it getting burned._

At any rate Kaito and everything he represented for Korekiyo’s high school years could be seen as another shape suffering took to teach him. He’d choose to see the beauty in it and take it for what it was.

None of it mattered anyways. As long as he kept his grades up and didn’t allow anything to cause him to stray from the rules Sister had set in place, school was nothing to concern himself with. Even if he was a scholar at heart, eager to learn. He always learned more from Sister anyways. Especially given how limited his time was left with her...he couldn’t waste it. 

-

Sister refused to lose her dignity even in those last bitter months just before Korekiyo’s sixteenth birthday. Even when she had to have Korekiyo handle his own physical punishments, slicing his wrists, banging his shins against the legs of a table until he feared the bone would fracture, making himself sick through various methods so his stomach would be agonizingly empty and his throat would feel raw from the amount of acidic bile that came up it. He didn’t mind this either, as long as he proved that he _was_ going through with the punishments she found fit for his transgressions, she allowed it. 

Korekiyo never dared comment on her weakened state. He refrained for two reasons, the first being that he knew Sister would take insult to the bitter reminder. The second being _fear._ Fear of what it meant, of asking _the_ question. Maybe that was cowardly of him but at the time he justified it by reasoning that _she_ wouldn’t have wanted to talk about _that_ either. 

If only that could’ve kept her death at bay.

It was a wretched day, when she died. Korekiyo had been sleeping in a chair in her hospital room for the last four days because they had a feeling. A part of them _knew._ Sister had called him over to her bedside and taken his slender hand into hers, cold and clammy with an iron grip despite her frailty. Sister had glanced at him for a long moment, as if taking in her creation. She may never have been his mother but she sculpted him into her vision. She gazed at Korekiyo who had her hair, her hospital face mask pulled down to his chin to show her sanguine lips, her porcelain pale skin from extreme lack of exposure to sunlight, her autumn eyes. She looked at her very own doll who she made into her image, who began and ended with her. Whose scars were created by her loving hands. She looked at him, and then turned to look straight ahead at the blank wall across from her with the tight cold look she wore so well.

But that brief moment, that was not the thing that would haunt Korekiyo for the rest of his life. That would be her very last words to him as she let her eyes slide shut, as her breathing grew fainter, as her heart monitor began to slow.

“I wish it’d been you, it should have been you, Korekiyo. Apologize.”

She was dead before the apology could leave his lips.


	2. Prologue Part II: The Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING FOR DESCRIPTIONS OF A SUICIDE ATTEMPT.  
> If you would like to skip that part it won’t affect your reading experience just skip the first section of italics with a “~” squiggle thingy separating it from the rest of the chapter. The other italics sections are safe.  
> Ok more exposition sorry :( but hey, amaguji fans come get y’all’s juice :)

_The broken heart. You think you will die, but you just keep living day after terrible day._ \- _Great Expectations,_ Charles Dickens.

~

_It was a known fact that as far as personalities went, Sister had been more like their father and Korekiyo had been more like their mother, or so he’d been told by Sister. Sister had had their father’s headstrong demeanor that was balanced by the calculating poise they both had carried themselves with. They both felt disdain for weakness. They both were taken too soon._

_Meanwhile Korekiyo had always been more timid and soft spoken, a natural follower as opposed to a leader. Passive yet inquisitive. Just like their mother had been before she checked out after her husband’s death. Korekiyo had always privately felt that the only reason Sister found his traits that mirrored those of the mother she hated so much was because he was always eager to please as well. But she did admit to him before that she hated when he reminded her of their mother._

_Maybe that’s why after he stepped inside the empty apartment after leaving the hospital in a daze, he immediately looked for any liquor that’d been left behind._

Sister would have been so disappointed in him _._

_He’d been lucky to stumble across a completely unopened bottle of Hennessy. Yanking the cork out with frantic hands he brought the bottle to his lips and drank a few chugs of it before pulling it away coughing at the strong taste. He grimaced at the burning sensation tearing through his throat and belly. It was unbearably bitter but already Korekiyo could feel lighter and less oriented._

_Resigning himself to the unpleasant taste, Korekiyo downed more of the liquor until he once again became overwhelmed by the taste. He nearly stopped there, gagging and leaning against the kitchen counter to keep himself steady. But an image of Sister’s lifeless corpse laying in her hospital flashed across his mind, drawing a pained keening noise from his lips. He was able to chug more of the Hennessy before he had to stop this time. Korekiyo stared at the bottle that now had a rather decent amount of it gone._

Sister had never been able to drink alcohol.

_Korekiyo’s lip quivered and he wrapped his arms around himself, digging his fingers into his shoulders. It wasn’t fair. None of it was. And now he’d gone and made things even worse not even a day after her death._

She wasn’t even there to punish him or tell him to apologize _._

 _The dam broke and Korekiyo was suddenly wracked with bitter sobs. He couldn’t even bring himself to feel ashamed for his wailing, as childish and shameful as_ She _would have found it. Just another way he managed to fail her. Another reason for retribution._

Punishment.

_With a watery gasp Korekiyo whirled to face the knife block with kitchen knives neatly sitting in it. He nearly took a tumble from the dizziness due to his inebriation, head swimming as it tried to keep up with his uncoordinated body. With trembling hands he pulled out one of the knives, staring at it for a moment with a moment of calmness._

_The tears began once more when Korekiyo rolled up the sleeve to his shirt (_ always long sleeved so no one would see the reminders of his past transgressions, just as Sister instructed _) and took a shuddering breath before sliding the blade across his wrist. As he watched blood begin to bead upon the fresh cut he slid down to his knees. His thoughts, hazy and stilted by the alcohol, once again turned to Sister. Oh, what would she think of him now, drunk, sobbing, and bleeding on the floor? It wasn’t hard to picture it._

 _“_ So ungrateful and selfish, you couldn’t even wait until my body had gone cold to go back on your promise could you, Korekiyo?”

_He whimpered, adding another slice to his skin with the blade._

“It’s not fair. I had so much I could’ve done if only I had the able body to do so. And you, you have the able body that I _should’ve_ had and yet your mind is weak. It isn’t fair. It should have been you, don’t you agree, Korekiyo?”

_He pressed the blade in deeper this time slowly tearing skin up to his forearm, the stinging pain giving way to a dull ache numbed slightly by his drunken state. He nodded though he knew she wasn’t really there. Even though she wouldn’t ever get to see it. She wouldn’t see any of this._

_A distant part of him wondered why he was doing any of this when she was gone, the rules, the punishment. But it was quickly squashed by another quick slice. He dropped the knife after that with a groan, hands too weak to continue. He always seemed to be too weak without her._

“Don’t ignore me, Korekiyo. Do you agree it should’ve been you who suffered, who died?”

_“Yes.”_

“Then apologize.”

_And apologize he did. Over and over “I’m sorry” tumbled out of his lips, a simple mantra at first but eventually growing in volume as well as the pain audible in them. He didn’t know how long he sat like that, apologizing through his slurred speech, vaguely aware that he was losing a lot more blood than he expected. What was it that alcohol did to your blood again? Did it thin it? He couldn’t remember, head too fuzzy and heavy to recall that little tidbit of information._

_Maybe he’d die._

_The thought didn’t scare him like it should’ve. In fact he felt quite indifferent to it. Maybe it would be fitting. Sister had a strong mind and a will to fight, to cling to life even as it was slowly but surely stolen from her due to her weak body. Korekiyo had a weak mind and no independent desire to live despite his able body that would allow him to do so. She died against her will. He would die for hers. After all, that’d make it fair right? She didn’t get to live past today, didn’t get to take another breath. Why should he?_

_Korekiyo wasn’t sure when his vision began spotting but it was around the time there was a loud knock at the door. He wondered if it was the neighbor coming to complain about all the noise he was making with his crying. He didn’t think he’d be able to get up to check even if he wanted to. His brain was clouded by a fog of alcohol and blood loss so it was a safe bet that his legs wouldn’t be able to hold him in his current state._

_It turned out it wouldn’t matter, as soon the knocking turned into the door being busted down. Korekiyo was so delirious he could barely flinch as three police officers rushed in. Had he done something wrong? He couldn’t recall any illegal activities he could’ve participated in to have the police called on him. Not that his memory was that good at the moment._

_As soon as they spotted him, two of the officers rushed to him while the other made a quick phone call. The first officer grabbed the bloody knife on the floor while the second tried to speak with Korekiyo. He did the best he could to answer the officer but by this point he could barely keep his eyes open and it was likely nothing more than slurred incoherent gibberish. Probably apologizing to the officer for being so unable to answer her questions._

_By the time EMT workers had arrived with a stretcher Korekiyo had given up trying to speak with either of the officers and allowed himself to succumb to sleep, hoping he’d see his Sister soon._

~

It turned out Korekiyo would not receive his wish that day. If anything, all he got when he faded back into consciousness was a vague sense of deja vu. He was in a hospital room...except he was the one in the bed with an I.V. in his arm. He was alone. At first he was confused, _why am I here? Why am I the one in bed? Where is Sister?_

Slowly, then all at once, yesterday’s memories hit him. The alcohol, the knife, both of which explained the painful ache that wracked his entire body, concentrated the most in his bandaged wrists. The alcohol had probably made it harder for his blood to clot, as well as added what he’d quickly come to realize was his very first hangover. But there was something else too...

Sister. She was gone. She was-

Korekiyo stared down at the hospital sheets draped over his legs as an overwhelming chill inducing numbness spread over him. He was alone. Truly, utterly alone. And he hadn’t even been able to thank her for everything she’d done for him, to apologize one last time to her for everything he’d done to her.

His Sister was dead and he’d tried to follow her...and failed. 

A doctor had come in not long after and explained any gaps of information Korekiyo had. His Sister had succumbed to her illness and died ( _he knew that already damnit, how could he not? There was no need to remind him-),_ he’d left the hospital alone, one of the nurses who often had treated Sister was worried, having been aware that the Shinguji’s had no living parental figures and that Sister had been Korekiyo’s only guardian. Apparently she’d called the police to do a wellness check on him, a part of her concerned he’d try to hurt himself all alone at home. They’d come by, heard the ruckus he was making, and found him bleeding out on the floor.

The rest, Korekiyo could piece together himself. 

He wasn’t surprised when he’d been transferred to an inpatient program. Apparently trying to end your life made people distrustful of your mental stability. Honestly he didn’t mind it _too_ much, mostly because he was still so entirely numb that it was difficult to feel strongly one way or the other. He didn’t appreciate the lack of privacy, however. And he wasn’t able to restrict his eating, nor was he able to punish himself for it later. All in all, it was neither a pleasant nor excruciating ordeal. 

For the most part he kept his head down and participated as little as he could get away with. Most of his time was spent observing everyone around him. He spent his birthday there, something he barely took the time to notice. It wasn’t until another patient there, a short boy named Ryoma, pulled him aside one day that anything began to remotely change. 

Ryoma, apparently, had been in and out of inpatient programs for a good portion of his life. He told Korekiyo that he’d been watching him, and if Korekiyo wanted to get out he was going to have to play the _game,_ as he put it. Convince everyone around him that he was getting better, that he was improving. 

Korekiyo hadn’t paid much heed to the advice at first but was admittedly intrigued by Ryoma himself. He seemed to be a rather unmotivated and depressed individual, but with a certain sort of wisdom beyond his years. That was something that Korekiyo could appreciate. So he decided to take his advice by spending more time around his shorter fellow patient. 

He wouldn’t call them _friends,_ he wasn’t allowed to have those, it’d be disrespectful to Sister. But acquaintances was a term he was comfortable with. As time went on, they spoke more and more. As they were both unafraid of morbid topics and adverse to vapid small talk, Korekiyo had felt they were well matched for allies in the facility. 

Korekiyo was permitted to be released before Ryoma was. Something he felt oddly guilty about, but Ryoma had insisted that it didn’t matter either way, they both had a _long way to go._ Korekiyo wasn’t positive what he meant by that. And he’d never get an answer because he never saw Ryoma again after the day he was released.

-

Korekiyo wasn’t sure how to navigate life after he was released. He had school coming up, his final year, but the schedule he’d followed practically his whole life had been thrown out the window. There were no hospital visits to plan in, there was no mother to care for, there was no one to pay the bills now other than himself. 

So he got a job. He figured it was the easiest step to take in adjusting, logical, one that required no consideration on his part. He had to pay his own way now, so he needed a source of income. He was lucky to land a job at a local florist's shop near his home. It didn’t pay phenomenally well but Korekiyo figured if he budgeted well he’d be fine. His manager agreed to be flexible for his school hours and that’s all that mattered. 

School was another matter entirely. His last year of high school wasn’t too different from before. He still wore the cloth medical mask he’d religiously worn before even though there was no one with a weakened immune system to protect now. He still avoided interacting with his classmates for the most part in favor of observing, though a certain lab partner seemed interested in getting to know him better. He still was seen as generally creepy and unlikable. 

Yet somehow everything felt different. He followed his routines but didn’t feel right in them. He stuck to Sister’s rules but he wasn’t sure why anymore. She wasn’t there to feel the bitter reminder of unfairness if he broke them. She wasn’t there to enact punishment on him if he didn’t. So why was he still clinging to the rules she’d set in place?

He wouldn’t figure it out that year and before he knew it, he’d graduated.

For a while, he considered attending university. He was passionate about education and loved learning more than probably anything else. He was fond of folklore and sociology which led him to developing a love for anthropology, something he felt he could excel in if he went to school for it. But somehow it felt wrong. _She had a brilliant and hungry mind and never got to pursue her academic passions. Why should I?_

Soon, his eighteenth birthday passed and he still hadn’t decided if furthering his education was _fair_ or not. So he picked up more hours at the florist shop and worked full time. He didn’t need to worry himself with the internal struggle when he worked. 

And his manager was an interesting case study if nothing else. He was a bizarre individual to be sure, self deprecating, mellow, yet with a deep passion for the language of flowers. Korekiyo himself was fascinated by the history of communicating through flowers and all the different messages one could send through them so he never minded listening to his manager ramble on about it. Korekiyo didn’t mind working for him and he seemed to find interest in Korekiyo’s own eccentricities. 

He knew he was procrastinating, he was _wavering,_ but indecision had gripped him and so he let that make his choice for him in the end. It’s not like he could particularly afford tuition anyways.

Time moved on, not that Korekiyo paid much mind to it, the only date he kept track of was Sister’s death date. So he couldn’t really specify when Amami Rantaro walked into his life. 

It was a work day, the manager was in his office placing an order leaving Korekiyo to man the front. It’d been a slow day so he wasn’t too overwhelmed at being the only one in front. Honestly, Korekiyo had been picking at some stray dirt under his fingernails when he heard the bell ring, indicating a customer coming in. This wouldn’t be anything worth note if he hadn’t vaguely _recognized_ the person who came in as one of his old classmates. 

Swoopy pale green hair, placid eyes a darker shade of green, a myriad of piercings littering his ears and eyebrows, yes there was no way Korekiyo could be mistaken, he’d gone to school with this boy. _Amami something_ his mind supplied, unable to recall his first name. He’d never spoken to Amami, just seen him around campus. Oh how he desperately hoped he wouldn’t be recognized by ex-classmate.

At first it seemed he was in the clear, Amami had offered him little more than an easy smile and nod of acknowledgment. But as he moved closer to the counter there was a flickering of recognition in his eyes. Korekiyo had to fight the urge to back away, _you mustn’t waver._

“Hey, Amami greeted, “this might be a weird question but did we go to school together at some point?”

Korekiyo tapped his manicured nails ( _presentation mattered, Sister had ingrained a need for cleanliness and just enough vanity into him to ensure he would not allow himself to ever appear disheveled if he could help it)_ nervously.

“I ah, I believe we were in the same graduating class.”

Amami snapped his fingers, “I knew it! Sorry, it’s just you looked familiar.”

Korekiyo nodded, “I see, well, what can I get for you.”

“I’m not entirely sure,” Amami hummed, “it’s my friend's birthday and I wanted to get her some flowers, but I don’t know what would be good for that.”

Korekiyo frowned slightly behind his mask. 

“Well, the flower associated with the birth month of August is a gladiolus, though they are also associated with infatuation and I’m not sure that’s the message you’re trying to send.”

Amami shook his head with an awkward smile, “Nah, we’re way too platonic for that.”

“Ok, well, lilies and yellow roses are popular choices for birthday wishes,” Korekiyo offered.

“I have a feeling she’d get after me for taking the cliche route.”

“Ah...there’s oak leaf geraniums, they represent true friendships.”

“Maybe...hey! What’s your favorite flower?”

“Mine?”

“Yah, what type of flower would you want to receive on your birthday?”

“Oh well…” Korekiyo had to pause to consider the question. His first instinct was to answer with Sister’s favorite for some reason, a red rose. But he stopped himself.

“I suppose I’ve always been fond of columbines. They have a variety of meanings not just within their different color variations but also within different cultures. For example, they were attributed to Aphrodite by the Greeks giving it a symbolism of romance and adoration. 

But they are also associated with jesters due to the shape of the petals mimicking a traditional jester’s hat which adds an association with mirth and humor.

And of course there’s the religious value it held in Celtic traditions. It represented dreams and visions. They’re very versatile, I suppose, as well as beautiful of course. I feel that-,” Korekiyo cut himself off, “I apologize that’s a bit of a long winded explanation.”

Amami was regarding him with amusement twinkling in his eyes.

“No, I didn’t know there could be so much meaning behind a flower,” Amami reassured.

“Most flowers have numerous meanings across different cultures,” Korekiyo shrugged, “not to mention that there’s different messages that can be communicated through flowers by color alone.”

“Well, I’d like to hear more about it sometime,” Amami replied, “oh and I guess I’ll take some yellow ones, they mean friendship, right?”

Korekiyo brightened in spite of himself at Amami’s receptiveness to his suggestion, “Yes, yellow flowers typically symbolize success, happiness, and friendship. Would you like a large bouquet or a small one?”

“I’ll go with a small one, don’t want ‘Mugi to get too full of herself, yah?”

Korekiyo bit back a snicker, nodding and ringing up the total. Amami paid, and Korekiyo went about getting the bouquet together, tying it up with a pink ribbon. He went back to the counter and handed it to the other man.

“Well, I ah, I hope she appreciates it,” Korekiyo offered.

“She’s gonna love it, trust me,” Amami chuckled, “she loves cheesy stuff like this.”

“Have a nice day, Amami-san,” Korekiyo smiled shyly behind his mask.

Amami seemed surprised, “You know my name?”

Korekiyo panicked, worried he’d just gone and made himself look creepy again, “Ah well...only your last name. You were fairly well known in school were you not?”

Amami seemed to relax a bit, “Oh, I guess so. Well, what’s your name, sorry I don’t think I remember if I’ve ever heard it or not.”

“It’s alright, I mostly kept to myself. My name is Shinguji Korekiyo, but most people I associate with call me Kiyo.”

“Ah, it’s nice to meet you, Kiyo! Amami Rantaro is my full name, I guess.”

“It’s nice to meet you too.”

Amami waved as he walked out of the shop. Korekiyo hummed to himself contemplatively, his mood was oddly lifted from his interaction with Amami. The manager walked out to the front, offering Korekiyo his usual serene smile. The two enjoyed a comfortable silence for a while with Korekiyo sweeping the front. Suddenly, the manager tapped his chin.

“You seem happier today, Kiyo-chan. Did something happen?”

Korekiyo felt his face warm at the manager’s observation. 

“I suppose so,” he admitted, “nothing worthy of note happened...I saw one of my old classmates. But it was just a standard sale.”

“Did you get to explain the meanings behind some flowers to them,” the manager’s knowing smile grew.

Korekiyo huffed, “Yes, I did.”

The manager chuckled, “What a wonderful thing, which flower was it?”

“He, ah, he asked what my favorite flower is.”

“Oh? Even I have yet to learn what it is, how special!”

“You haven’t asked,” Korekiyo replied airily, “it’s columbines.”

“You always have liked the ones with historical cultural value,” the manager shook his head fondly.

“Yes well, he wanted something to give to a friend for her birthday. Apparently lilies and yellow roses are too _cliche_ so he wanted to know my favorite.”

“I’m glad he put some thought into it, nothing is worse than someone who is thoughtless with their flowers.”

This time Korekiyo snorted, “Of course, though, you must admit, not many are well versed in the language of flowers.”

The manager shook his head, “Unfortunately.”

“Either way, it was nothing special, just unusual, that’s all,” Korekiyo insisted. 

“So you say, Kiyo-chan,” the manager replied, “either way, it’s nice seeing you in a better mood than usual.”

“Thank you, Komaeda-san.”

-

Korekiyo had fully expected to not see Amami again. But, a week later, Amami was back in the shop. He waved at Korekiyo before giving the manager a nod. Korekiyo waved back in utter confusion.

“Welcome! What can we get for you today,” the manager greeted.

“Hey,” Amami smiled, “I came in to thank Kiyo-kun, actually. He helped me pick what flowers to give to my friend for her birthday.”

“Oh! It’s you,” the manager grinned glancing at Korekiyo.

Amami raised a brow but ignored the manager’s comment.

“Uh, yah, ‘Mugi loved the flowers. So thank you.”

“Of course,” Korekiyo responded, choked. _Did he really only come here to thank me?_

“He’s quite knowledgeable about the language of flowers,” the manager praised, “and willing to learn to make up for whatever he lacks.”

Korekiyo’s face burned, “I’m glad she liked them, Amami-san. Um...have you been well?”

“I’ve been well, how about yourself,” Amami smiled. 

“I’ve been alright, thank you. Did you need anything?”

He hummed, “Well now that you’ve mentioned it, I believe I mentioned that I’d be interested in hearing more about the language of flowers from you sometime...if that was something you were still interested in.”

The manager caught Korekiyo’s eye, silently asking if he was ok with Amami’s thinly veiled proposition to ask Korekiyo to hang out sometime. He appreciated the concern, honestly, having worked with the manager for as long as he had he truly admired how he could be so lost in his own world yet perceptive. 

Korekiyo nodded towards the manager, “If you would like to...but ah if flowers are what you’re interested in, he’s much more knowledgeable than I am on the subject.”

“Oh, silly Kiyo-chan,” the manager chuckled, “it’s obvious he would rather talk to you than boring old me!”

Amami rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, “Well if there’s any topics you’d rather discuss...I’ll be honest I just wanted an excuse to speak to you again.”

“Oh,” Korekiyo felt his heart skip a beat, “Ah...I wouldn’t mind that, I suppose.”

“You wouldn’t?” Amami seemed surprised but recovered quickly, “Sweet! Can I have your number then? We can set up a date.”

Painfully aware of the manager observing them with an amused grin, Korekiyo pulled out his phone and exchanged numbers with Amami. 

“Ok, cool...cool, yah I’ll text you. Have a good day you two!”

And then, he was gone. 

-

Amami was unique in a way Korekiyo could never have predicted. He not only had so many fascinating stories to share, but he also was an attentive listener. He would actively encourage Korekiyo to talk about his own interests, about folklore and mythology he was fond of. And he engaged in the discussion. He didn’t just listen boredly waiting for Korekiyo to take a breath so he could change the subject. He was _interested._ He _remembered_ things Korekiyo would say and bring up his own additions to the topic. It made him feel heard, it made him feel seen, it made him feel…

Amami was an intriguing individual to be sure. He tended to appear and disappear from Korekiyo’s life as he pleased. It was revealed to him, during one of the times they decided to meet for coffee, that Amami was a bit of a traveler. He was always seeking out new places to explore and new experiences to discover. He had been to many places around the world even at his young age and had many stories to share about them. 

_Wanderlust._ That was how Korekiyo would describe him. Wanderlust, easygoing, compassionate, clever, patient, _handsome._ Oh yes, many words came to Korekiyo’s mind when he thought of Amami. He wasn’t foolish, he knew by their fourth outing together he was completely enamored by Amami. There was just one issue with his budding friendship-and-possibly-more with the other man. 

Sister. 

He wasn’t stupid, he knew that this was something she would’ve disproved of. Not because of Korekiyo’s “ _preferences”,_ she was the first person he ever came out to, but… Korekiyo knew he was toeing the line of what she would deem _too_ close. But every single time that Korekiyo finally decided to do the _right_ thing and cut off contact with Amami, he’d receive a text from said man that’d leave his chest fluttering and him biting back a smile. 

Korekiyo always was weak.

He once again found himself at a place of internal conflict. Once again inaction made the decision for him. He couldn’t take the step to distance himself from Amami and so, through Amami’s attempts and Korekiyo’s allowance, they continued to grow closer. Every night the guilt would eat at his mind and he’d whisper apologies into the darkness. Everyday Amami would fill his thoughts, chasing away the shame. 

It wasn’t until Amami showed up to one of their now common meetups with a bouquet of red columbines, white camellias, and pink calla lilies that Korekiyo knew he’d gone too far. Amami offered him the bouquet before confessing that he was interested in continuing to get to “ _discover”,_ as he put it, more about Korekiyo...but as his boyfriend. If Amami was nervous he didn’t show it, just calmly waited for Korekiyo’s response. As for Korekiyo...he knew what he should do. He should kindly let Amami down, explain that he was not in a place where he was able to have a relationship ( _while leaving out the little tidbit that he wasn’t able to have a relationship ever)_ and return the bouquet. He should…

Korekiyo always was weak.

“White camellias...you think I’m _adorable_?” Korekiyo raised a brow, tilting his head despite his amusement.

Amami’s chuckle made him want to melt, “Maybe not in the _conventional_ way...but in your own unique, odd way? Absolutely.”

Korekiyo couldn’t help but scoff, “You’re ridiculous.”

Amami’s smile grew even wider and Korekiyo couldn’t stop his own from forming against his will.

“So…”

“So?”

“So am I about to get myself a boyfriend or am I about to get shot down? Totally cool if it’s the second one, mind you, but the first one is preferred.”

Korekiyo huffed, chewing on his lip behind his mask while looking down at the flowers. He included columbines…

Korekiyo always was weak.

“Well...I would hate to disappoint you. So I suppose we shall have to choose the first option.”

Amami was beaming at this point and Korekiyo...Korekiyo felt so much lighter somehow, even with thoughts of Sister nagging at the back of his mind. 

“Say, Kiyo,” Amami interrupted his thoughts, “you don’t have to take it off but...do you mind if I ask why you’re always wearing that mask?”

“Ah.”

Korekiyo had to take a moment to decide how to explain. How could one explain someone as important as Sister?

“Well...it’s a rather long story.”

“I’m all ears if you’re comfortable sharing. There’s a park nearby we can walk to.”

And so, they took off, and Korekiyo began to explain Sister. He left out a lot, he wasn’t seeking _pity_ for his parents untimely deaths and whatnot. But he explained how important she was to him, what she did for him, how he wore the mask as a tribute to her. Most importantly, he told Amami how he owed everything to Sister.

Amami didn’t comment, he listened, and thanked Korekiyo for sharing that with him. 

Why did that make Korekiyo want to cry?

Whatever the reason, it was easily ignored as he was introduced to the world of _dating._ Korekiyo wasn’t new to “ _crushes”_ and whatnot, flights of fancy he would only indulge in absolute secret. Boys from school who caught his eye, etc. But nothing he ever pursued. It wouldn’t have been _fair._

Which should’ve made what he was doing with Amami absolutely forbidden. And yet, now that he’d had a taste of the gentle affection Amami had to offer...Korekiyo couldn’t stop himself. He was happier than he had been since Sister had died. Of course...it wasn’t the same...it’d _never_ be the same as having her alive but it was as close as he could get to happiness, contentment. He was clumsy and unsure of himself when it came to romance, but Amami was nothing but patient and even expressed endearment to Korekiyo’s earnest attempts.

Because of Korekiyo’s hesitancy, they took it slow. Dates began casual and free of any pressure. Hand holding and easy conversations. Cute goodnight texts and sweet good morning texts. It was cliche, it was frivolous, it was wonderful.

It was strange, for so long Korekiyo had Sister to direct his life as well as give him motivation to continue on. After she died he was directionless and empty, arguably as despondent as his mother had been when his father died all those years ago. But meeting Amami...it was like he was breathing again. It was like he had woken up from a long sleep. He felt almost... _hopeful_ for the future. 

Amami didn’t mind Korekiyo’s eccentricities. Amami didn’t become annoyed by his neurosis. Amami didn’t shame him for his shortcomings, even when Korekiyo made it clear he was open to receiving retribution when he made a mistake. Amami was nothing like _anyone_ Korekiyo had ever met before. Not that he was _better_ than Sister of course...no one could compete with her, she was the only reason he was alive in the first place. 

But...so long as Korekiyo kept that in mind and kept the due reverence when thinking of her in comparison to Amami, it wasn’t wrong to praise Amami for being a kind person who made him happy. Right?

For that matter, Amami had begun to bring Korekiyo’s previous ideas and beliefs into question. 

Though he was always careful to never give off the impression that he viewed Sister in a negative light, Amami had some...different...ideas about how Korekiyo should view his restrictive lifestyle.

-

_“Hey Kiyo?”_

_“Yes, dear?”_

_“I know you’ve explained the...ah..._ rules _you and your sister had in place…”_

_“Mmhm?”_

_“But, well, it sounds like they were in place because you two didn’t want to remind her of all the things she’d never have. And now that she’s...you know...what’s the harm?”_

_“What do you mean?”_

_“You’re not..._ hurting _her anymore by allowing yourself to have things she couldn’t. You’re only hurting yourself.”_

_“Oh no,” Korekiyo reassured, “I never minded making those sacrifices for her!”_

_Amami sighed, “I know, babe, I know. But that doesn’t mean you need to keep forcing yourself to restrict yourself. I mean, she never got to date anyone right? But you’re with me...and we’re pretty good, right?”_

_Korekiyo hummed as Amami gently grabbed Korekiyo’s hand. Despite the pang of guilt he felt at the reminder he was_ selfishly _indulging in something she never had, he couldn’t help but smile softly at Amami’s affectionate and reassuring displays._

_“You make me feel happier than I thought possible after her passing,” Korekiyo admitted, “I just...I can’t help but feel guilty. If she were still here, she’d be so hurt.”_

_“But she’s not.”_

_“She’s not,” Korekiyo swallowed the lump in his throat._

_“So why how can it still hurt her?”_

_“Because-“ Korekiyo had to pause. He’d never given it much thought._

_It was just the obvious answer. She made it abundantly clear how unfair it all was and how she felt about that. So why would that change after her death?_

_“Look,” Amami rubbed the back of his neck with his free hand, “I’m not going to pretend to understand what you two went through, or the bond you clearly share. But there are ways you can pay tribute to her and keep her close in your life without acting like she’s still there for you to slight with your actions.”_

_“I suppose that’s...true,” Korekiyo had never even considered that an option, but it was hard not to at least_ think _about it with Amami right there._

_Korekiyo had always been weak to those he cared about._

_He laughed, a small, breathy, nervous thing, “You must think I have a sister complex or something, huh?”_

_His words were a little more bitter than he’d intended. He was aware that Amami had many sisters of his own, but he knew they were all younger and had a different dynamic with Amami than Korekiyo had had with Sister._

_Surprisingly, Amami shook his head, “Not really. I won’t lie, you two did things way differently than me and my sisters, or well, anyone else I’ve ever met. But it sounds like there was no...uh- well, you know,_ other things _going on between you. So you had a complicated relationship, doesn’t automatically mean there’s some sort of sister complex, right?”_

 _“We would_ never _cross a boundary like that. What we had transcended familial, but never in_ that _direction,” Korekiyo grimaced at the thought, “My sexuality aside, even our familial status aside, she was nine years my senior and my guardian. She wouldn’t abuse that power over me like that.”_

_Amami gave Korekiyo an odd look but nodded, “See, there you go. But that’s sort of off topic anyways, even if I’m glad things never went in that direction.”_

_“Ah yes,” Korekiyo nodded, “what- ah- what would you suggest I do to balance showing respect for her without adhering to the rules.”’_

_“Well, I think the way you keep your hair grown out for her is sweet, um even the mask is understandable even if I’d love to see what’s underneath,” Amami nudged Korekiyo’s shoulder with a boyish smile, “But why do you need to go so far as isolating yourself from everyone? I know the only reason I got to get close to you was because I put in the effort to.”_

_Korekiyo looked down. He was ashamed that he couldn’t argue with Amami. He really had made it difficult, hadn’t he?_

_“Hey, I don’t mind. As long as you_ actually _want me around, I love getting closer to you even if it’s a bit of a challenge sometimes, you know?”_

_Korekiyo squeezed Amami’s hand, “Of course I want you around.”_

_“Just think about it, ok? I’m not going to force you to do anything you’re uncomfortable with but it makes me sad to see you force yourself to miss out on even the simplest pleasures in life.”_

_Korekiyo sighed, “Ok, I’ll think about it, I promise.”_

_Amami smiled and placed a chaste kiss on the part of Korekiyo’s cheek that wasn’t covered by his mask._

_“You deserve to be happy.”_

_Korekiyo wasn’t sure if he fully believed Amami, but in that moment, he wanted nothing more than for it to be true._

_-_

There was a lot of back and forth on that particular topic. Some days Korekiyo would shut down at the mere thought of breaking any of the rules and would hide away at home, apologizing over and over for all the transgressions he’d already made. Others, he’d wonder why he still bothered and would allow Amami to push the boundaries with him. It was slow going either way.

Hell, it wasn’t until Amami’s birthday in October that Korekiyo finally felt comfortable enough to take off the mask in front of Amami. 

That was a special day for both of them. 

-

_Korekiyo stood in front of Amami’s apartment, holding a bouquet of flowers. He took a deep breath and knocked on the door with a shaking hand. He worried over his appearance for over two hours before he’d walked over to Amami’s. He wasn’t sure why he was so nervous to go to Amami’s small birthday party-_

_(_ “Tell me, Korekiyo, how many birthday parties have I been able to attend? _”_ )

- _but he hadn’t been able to eat all day due to his anxiety. He very nearly texted Amami that he got sick and wouldn’t be able to come but...then he thought about how excited Amami was when Korekiyo promised to come in the first place. Apparently he’d planned a separate celebration with his family since he knew Korekiyo would’ve been overwhelmed by the sheer number of direct family members Amami has, leaving tonight for him, Korekiyo, and Shirogane Tsumugi (Amami’s roommate)._

_He couldn’t let him down like that._

_It was Shirogane who opened the door._

_“Oh! You must be Shinguji! Amami talks about you all the time, come in, come in!”_

_Korekiyo ducked his head but stepped inside._

_“He ah- he mentions you a lot too, it’s nice to meet you, Shirogane-san.”_

_Shirogane smiled, “I’m assuming those are for him, yah? Oh he’ll love those! You know a lot about flowers right?”_

_Korekiyo shrugged slightly, “Well, I know a lot about the cultural phenomenon of communicating through flowers.”_

_Shirogane tilted her head slightly, “Ah...I see. That’s cool, I guess.”_

_It was clear she was beginning to tune out so Korekiyo held the flowers closer to himself and waited for Amami to come out from wherever he was in the apartment._

_It turned out Amami was in the bathroom and soon he joined them, a goofy grin on his face the moment he spotted Korekiyo._

_“Would those happen to be for me?” He asked teasingly, motioning towards the bouquet._

_A wry smile formed underneath Korekiyo’s mask, “These? Oh no, these are for Shirogane-san.”_

_Amami let out a feigned disappointed sigh, “Aw, what a shame, they’re so pretty too.”_

_Korekiyo snickered as he stepped closer to Amami, “Hydrangeas for gratitude for being understood, daffodils for unequalled love. Of course they’re for you.”_

_Amami’s smile softened, “Lucky me, then, huh? Not only do I have the prettiest boyfriend, but now I have these pretty flowers too. Careful, you’re gonna’ spoil me rotten.”_

_Korekiyo leaned in so his forehead was resting against Amami’s, “I’m the one who was blessed by luck and you know it. Besides, this is only one of the things I want to give you.”_

_Before Amami could ask what Korekiyo meant, Shirogane cleared her throat._

_“As painfully sweet as this all is, ‘Taro, I spent all day baking you this cake and I demand you come and eat it. You too, Shinguji-kun!”_

_Korekiyo stepped away from Amami, his face flaming. Amami chuckled at Korekiyo’s reaction and waved Shirogane off._

_“Yah, yah, we’re coming, ‘Mugi. Jeez, she never takes a break from bossing me around, even on my birthday,” Amami winked conspiratorially to Korekiyo._

_“It’s because without me you’d never get anything done,” she called from the kitchen._

_“Wow, rude,” Amami snorted._

_Korekiyo shrugged, “She’s not wrong.”_

_Amami gasped, “Kiyo! You’re supposed to side with your boyfriend!”_

_Korekiyo hummed as he placed the bouquet into the vase Shirogane had placed out onto the counter for him._

_Cake was served and conservation was had. It was a lot of Shirogane, who was an avid cosplayer, talking about an upcoming convention she’d be attending, Amami talking about his plans for his upcoming travels to the States, and Korekiyo simply listening and enjoying. He knew by this point Amami never minded his rambles about folklore and such but he didn’t want to bore Shirogane. Besides, it was interesting for him to observe how Amami behaved in a home setting with his roommate._

_Soon enough, things began winding down and Amami and Korekiyo retreated back into Amami’s bedroom while Shirogane took over the living room to catch up on some show she was obsessing over._

_Amami chuckled as he closed the door behind him, “She’s something, huh?”_

_Korekiyo nodded, “It’s nice seeing you two banter. You two seem to be well matched.”_

_Amami hummed as he moved to sit on his bed, “What do you think about us? Would you say we’re well matched?”_

_“More so than I initially believed possible,” Korekiyo admitted shyly._

_Amami smiled softly and patted a spot on the bed next to him. Korekiyo sat down, appreciative of how Amami didn’t force him to sit any closer or farther from Amami than he felt comfortable. Amami was safe._

_That was why-_

_“I want to take off my mask for you.”_

_Amami blinked, “Wait, really?”_

_Korekiyo nodded, “You, ah, expressed interest in seeing me without it. But you’ve shown that you won’t pressure me to. And well...I feel comfortable around you.”_

_Amami took Korekiyo’s hands, there was no doubt he felt the tremors._

_“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”_

_His heart ached. He was given the choice, even now, that he offered._

_“I want to.”_

_“Well ok...if you’re sure.”_

_Korekiyo pulled his hands out of Amami’s and began to slowly reach them up-_

_“Wait,” Amami stopped him before smiling sheepishly, “I’ll close my eyes. I’ve waited too long not to have a dramatic reveal.”_

_Korekiyo snorted, “Kehehe, I doubt the reveal will be as satisfying as you think. I’m afraid my face isn’t all that interesting.”_

_“Well, now, no spoilers,” Amami teased, closing his eyes, “Ok, I’m ready!”_

_Korekiyo shook his head fondly at Amami’s closed eyed anticipatory expression. Taking a quiet deep breath, he brought his fingers up and unhooked the straps of his mask from around his ears. He moved the mask down to be anxiously clutched in his lap._

_Korekiyo glanced at Amami, “You may open your eyes.”_

_Amami’s eyes opened before widening as he took in Korekiyo’s uncovered face._

_“Wow.”_

_Korekiyo’s face flushed, “I told you it’d be a lackluster reveal.”_

_“Wow.”_

_“Um…” Korekiyo tucked his hair behind his ear, “Would you prefer I put it back on?”_

_Amami seemed to snap out of his daze, “No! No, it’s just...you’re a pretty guy, you know? Needed a second to take it in. I have to ask though, what’s with the lipstick? It’s a nice look on you, don’t get me wrong, just seems counterproductive with the mask.”_

_“A tribute to my sister I suppose,” Korekiyo had a shy smile, “we appreciated makeup together. Red lipstick was her favorite. It’s a silly ritual but I never feel right without putting it on everyday.”_

_“Hey, I don’t mind,” there was that boyish grin of Amami’s, “makes you look kissable, you know?”_

_“Subtle.”_

_“I’m just saying, if you’re ok with it…”_

_Korekiyo shifted slightly, processing the unasked question._

_“I-“_

_“It’s ok, I get it. Too much at once,” Amami raised his hands in a placating manner._

_“No, wait,” Korekiyo bit his lip, “Please I- I want to. I’ve thought about it before but I was…”_

_“Afraid of what your sister would think?”_

_He nodded shamefully._

_Amami sighed, “Kiyo, I won’t ever_ ever _pressure you to do anything with me. But if you don’t want to kiss me, I would hope it’s because that’s not what_ you _don’t want, not because of her.”_

_“I do want to.”_

_“Why do you deny both of us for her?”_

_Korekiyo blinked rapidly, confused, “Both of us?”_

_“I want to kiss you, Kiyo. I want to kiss my boyfriend. Is that so hard to believe?”_

_Now Korekiyo couldn’t stop himself from fidgeting. “I- well-“_

_“Do you want me to kiss you, Korekiyo?_ You _, not your sister, you.”_

_“Yes,” he whispered, as if maybe, if he admitted to his desire as quietly as possible, his guilty conscience wouldn’t hear it._

_Amami moved closer, gently cupping Korekiyo’s cheeks. He leveled Korekiyo with a serious stare._

_“Can I kiss you, is this ok.”_

_“Yes.”_

_Slowly, Amami leaned in and pressed his lips against Korekiyo’s. It was a chaste kiss, all things considered, but Korekiyo’s breath hitched all the same. Amami’s lips were slightly chapped, but warm. Korekiyo’s eyes fluttered, fingers curling around the mask in his hands._

_Then, all at once, Amami pulled back. He gazed at Korekiyo with a dazzling smile._

_“Was that ok?”_

_Korekiyo nodded frantically, forgetting himself for a moment._

_“Yes,” he gasped, “I would like to do that again...please?”_

_“Don’t have to ask me twice,” Amami chuckled, already moving back in._

_By the time Korekiyo was walked to the door to head home, mask now back on, Amami’s lips were covered in smudged red lipstick._

_-_

That first kiss opened the door to many, many more. Eventually, even leading to more “ _exploration”_ between the two of them. Korekiyo became comfortable using Rantaro’s first name. He even found himself becoming more comfortable with Rantaro’s friends and sisters. Korekiyo was still rather shy around the latter but he was never given any grief for it.

Things were good. He was _happy._ For the first time since Sister died, he felt _loved._

Of course...he was naive, blinded by pure infatuation, by _puppy-love,_ and forgot about his lifelong teacher. Suffering. 

Of course…

Korekiyo was too engrossed in his own overwhelming feelings, too busy opening himself to a side of himself he’d kept locked away for as long as he could remember, to notice it at first. To be fair, it started slowly.

-

The first thing Korekiyo could remember changing in his boyfriend was Rantaro’s sleep schedule.

He began to notice Rantaro begin to become more and more fatigued. It wasn’t until he fell asleep during one of their dates that he felt like he should ask. Rantaro waved him off with the vague answer of “ _weird nightmares”_ keeping him up.

It worried Korekiyo, but he didn’t feel he had the right to push when Rantaro was so respectful to Korekiyo’s own boundaries.

Speaking of, Rantaro kept his word, everything they did he made sure Korekiyo was comfortable with it. Hugging, kissing...everything else, was taken at a pace Korekiyo set. Once they began including sex as an aspect to their relationship, it was a fairly...common occurrence. 

However, somewhere along the line, Rantaro began to be the one who pulled away. He’d seemed distant and almost...detached in those moments. Korekiyo remained compliant and never pressured Rantaro to sate his newly awakened wants when it was clear Rantaro wasn’t in the mood. But he had to admit. 

He missed him. 

Soon that distance would extend to all aspects of the relationship. Texts were less common, dates and even casual hangouts became further and further spread out, silly and sweet displays of affection petered off. 

All the while, Rantaro insisted that everything was fine and dodged any questions. In fact he avoided a lot of topics of conversation now. The topics of note were Rantaro’s clear lack of sleep, their sudden lack of physical intimacy, and Sister. If any of those subjects were brought up Rantaro would immediately shut down leaving Korekiyo confused and guilty. 

Korekiyo was woefully out of his element. Normally with situations like these, he’d know to keep well enough alone or face punishment. That’s how it was with Sister, anyways. But this wasn’t that. So he wasn’t sure what to do. 

Should he push and try to find the reason for the shift in Rantaro’s behavior? After all, Rantaro had always advocated for Korekiyo pushing the bounds Sister had placed on him his whole life now that she was gone. 

But at the same time, Rantaro always seemed so upset whenever he’d test the waters and push.

Once again, as seemed to be commonplace now that Sister wasn’t there to guide him, Korekiyo was faced with indecisiveness. 

That in itself was a cause for conflict. Normally when faced with a decision dilemma, he’d wish to himself desperately that she was there to tell him what to do. Unfortunately, given the nature of this particular problem, he couldn’t even try to think about what she’d advise him to do. 

In fact dread filled him at the mere thought of what Sister would have to say about his current predicament.

But this of course left him entirely unsure of what to do. Korekiyo didn’t have anyone to ask for an outside opinion, there was his manager but...he felt much too ashamed at his unknown failures that _must_ be causing Rantaro to pull away to ask. The only other people he even _knew_ were old classmates from high school he was vaguely familiar with back in the day but that definitely did not count.

And so, in the end, Korekiyo could only watch as the wedge between them grew wider and wider. He hoped, desperately hoped, Rantaro would eventually come to him so they could talk.

He did. But not in the way Korekiyo hoped.

-

_“Ah, so you want to break up.”_

_Rantaro- no, Amami rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding Korekiyo’s eyes, “I’m really sorry, Kiyo. I- look. I don’t regret a thing between us. I really really liked you, you know? But things are...different now.”_

_Korekiyo felt numb, honestly. Maybe a subconscious part of him had seen it coming._

_“I see.”_

_“You’ve got to be feeling it too, right?”_

_“Yes…” yes, he had, for almost two months now he’d watched everything between them crumble, “I suppose I’d just hoped...we could work through it.”_

_Amami sighed, causing Korekiyo to wince._

_“I had too. I really wanted to make this work.”_

_“So why can’t we?” Korekiyo’s voice sounded small, even to himself._

_“Kiyo...” Amami looked so sad._

_Korekiyo didn’t understand. He looked miserable, so why was he doing it?_

_Korekiyo took in their surroundings, not knowing how to fill the silence that’d descended upon them. They were at a park. At the very park where they’d sat and talked the day Amami asked him out. How cruelly ironic. It was ending where it began._

_How awful too, that it was such a bright and beautiful spring day. The snow had recently given way to warmth and everything was in bloom. The sky was a crisp, clear blue, it was far too beautiful a day for Korekiyo’s heart to break._

_“I’m sorry,” Korekiyo mumbled after another beat of silence, “I know I was difficult to love. But ah- I hope we can remain friends?”_

_Amami didn’t reply immediately. Korekiyo bit his lip from behind his mask. The longer the silence continued, the more he felt his stomach sink. By the time Amami finally spoke, Korekiyo already knew the answer._

_“I don’t think that’s a good idea.”_

_Korekiyo clasped his hands in his lap to hide their shaking, ducking his head so his hair hid his face from his now ex-boyfriends view._

_“I see.”_

_“I’m really_ really _sorry, Kiyo. I wish we could but it’s just…”_

_“It’s alright, I understand.”_

_“No, listen-“_

_“Don’t worry, Amami, I hold no ill will towards you,” Korekiyo stood up, he couldn’t be here anymore. He needed to go, he needed to-_

_“I’m sorry things turned out the way they did, and I wish you nothing but happiness and success in your future,” Korekiyo was rambling now, words coming out breathy and shaky, “And I want you to know that I will always be grateful for how much you’ve taught me. For being so patient and kind to me. I’ll never forget that.”_

_“Korekiyo, wait-“_

_“Don’t. Please...I know I have no right to ask this of you but please. You don’t want to be friends, it’s perfectly alright. But please, spare me what little dignity I have left. Let me express my gratitude, my love for you. Please?”_

_Korekiyo heard Amami stand behind him. Suddenly Amami’s hand was placed on Korekiyo’s shoulder. Korekiyo wanted nothing more than to flinch away as though Amami’s hand was searing his skin. But he stood still, trembling slightly, praying Amami wouldn’t mention it._

_He didn’t, “I hope you believe me when I tell you that I loved you dearly. I wanted a future with you, I wanted to travel the world with you.”_

_Korekiyo swallowed the lump in his throat, “Then why…”_

_Amami pulled Korekiyo around to face him, “It’s complicated. It’s...fuck, man, I wish I could explain it to you.”_

_He looked so exhausted in that moment. Amami’s shoulders were hunched forward like he was Atlas feeling the weight of the world on him all at once. Korekiyo couldn’t stand to see him like this._

Just tell me what’s going on...I hate to see you so miserable…

But, _he thought to himself feeling a sharp pang in his chest,_ maybe that’s just it. Maybe I’m the reason he’s so miserable. He doesn’t want me in his life at all anymore, after all. 

_Yes, surely it must be something wrong with Korekiyo. Something he’d done or said to hurt Amami so badly he wanted nothing to do with him anymore. Or maybe...maybe it was just something intrinsically wrong with Korekiyo himself that repelled Amami._

_Korekiyo placed a hand on Amami’s cheek, hesitating briefly. Their eyes met and it finally truly hit Korekiyo what he was about to lose. He’d always adored Amami’s eyes. A bright warm green that’d always drawn everyone around him in. They certainly had pulled Korekiyo like magnets._

_It must be true that eyes were the window to one’s soul because even now, despite Amami’s usually sparkling eyes bring dimmed slightly by fatigue and turmoil, Korekiyo was entranced by them. Moments before he was going to lose the privilege to unabashedly gaze into them and he still felt his breath hitch at the sight of them._

_Korekiyo’s voice was almost painfully soft when he spoke, “You don’t need to explain anything to me. You’ve already given me so much.”_

_He let out a shuddery breath, “Thank you for everything, I’ll always think of you fondly, Amami Rantaro.”_

_Amami placed his own hand on Korekiyo’s cheek, “You deserve love, Kiyo. If nothing else, please remember that you deserve love and you deserve happiness.”_

_Suddenly it was all too much and Korekiyo stepped back, averting his eyes. He wrapped his arms around himself similar to a python encircling it’s prey, digging his nails into his shoulder and waist. Amami looked like he wanted to step closer to Korekiyo but he simply sighed._

_“Goodbye, Shinguji.”_

_Korekiyo flinched at the use of his last name. He didn’t look up, didn’t move, even as he heard Amami walk out of his life forever. It was hard to say how much time had passed before Korekiyo made his way back home on autopilot._

_Korekiyo didn’t cry. He didn’t allow himself to wallow in pity. Was this not punishment for disobeying Sister, after all? No, the only thing going on in his mind was how he had work tomorrow._

_-_

Suffering once again inserted itself into Korekiyo’s life in the form of gripping, unrelenting loneliness. Once again he was an outsider looking in, his only interaction with others limited to his manager and the passing one off interactions with customers. 

The manager seemed to notice fairly quickly that Korekiyo had retreated into himself, wilted like a rose. How he suddenly was able to work more shifts than before. The perpetual gloom that permeated his countenance. But he didn’t ask about it, something Korekiyo was extremely relieved by. 

Korekiyo didn’t want to talk about it, didn’t want to _think_ about it. After all, what was the point? It’d only lead to self pitying which was something he didn’t deserve. He’d done this to himself and he had to live with that. Korekiyo opened himself up to heartbreak. It hurt, of course, but it still couldn’t top out the anguish he felt upon Sister’s passing. _Nothing_ could hurt him like that. 

And besides...he shamefully couldn’t find it in himself to regret anything he experienced with Amami. Heartbreak hurt, but falling in love breathed life back into him and pulled him out of the apathetic stupor that he’d been living in since the day he woke up in the hospital.

This was but another way suffering had found to keep him learning. And that was beautiful. Korekiyo had never shied away from allowing himself to feel the full weight of suffering if it meant he would gain knowledge and perspective out of it. The only way to end suffering was to ride it out and learn from it so the mistake that had led to it would not be repeated. 

As the French novelist Marcel Proust put it, “ _We are healed of suffering only by experiencing it to the full._ ”

Everything Amami had given him, his first love, his first kiss, his first time, his first heartbreak was beautiful. Amami was beautiful. Every wonderful thing that made the fallout at the end more painful was still worth remembering despite the ache it brought upon him now. 

Besides, life continued on. Korekiyo continued working at the florist shop, he remedied his desire for knowledge without disrespecting Sister by learning on his own by regularly visiting the library (something Amami had suggested), and he got himself a cat. Was life satisfying? Not particularly but Korekiyo was moving forward. For the moment that was all he could expect of himself. 

Often his mind would turn to Amami, wondering how he was. Had he travelled anywhere recently? Did he have any new stories about his many sisters? Had Shirogane gotten him into any shows recently? Did he ever think about Korekiyo? Was he happy?

But Amami had made it clear he wanted Korekiyo to stay out of his life. There was complete radio silence after that day in the park. He even stopped showing up at coffee shops and other such spots he used to be a regular at. Korekiyo respected his wishes and didn’t reach out. Amami wanted to move on, Korekiyo at least owed him that. 

Beyond that, there were more important things to focus on. Amami had unintentionally placed Korekiyo in a state of turmoil when it came to Sister. Throughout their months together it wasn’t uncommon for the topic of her to come up and a discussion about what was fair to her and what was fair to Korekiyo to ensue. ( _Though that particular subject came up less and less near the end_ ) It was unresolved by the end of their relationship leaving Korekiyo alone to try and figure out how to make peace with everything he’d already done, and everything he now wanted to do, that Sister would certainly disapprove of without feeling as though he was spitting on her memory.

Even with her dying breath it was abundantly clear that Sister resented everything Korekiyo had that she didn’t. There was no doubt that if she were still alive she’d be furious with him and he still couldn’t find it within himself to disagree with her. But he also found himself unable to regret everything he experienced with Amami. If he could go back to the day he met him, Korekiyo wouldn’t have changed a thing...other than perhaps the end. 

All of this culminated into an uncomfortable concoction of guilt, confusion, and even a hint of the thrill of rebellion. The latter being the source for even more guilt and confusion. As ashamed as he was to admit it, Korekiyo felt a small zing of adrenaline to combat the quickly followed fear that came when he thought about how he directly defied Sister. Korekiyo had never been a “ _rebel”,_ always much happier adhering to Sister’s rules. He was an observer and follower by nature, striking out and disobeying went against everything Sister expected of Korekiyo and even against what Korekiyo knew to be true of himself. 

What was to be done about all of this? What _could_ be done about it? His options appeared to be to retreat back to the familiarity of obedience or to experiment with this new found desire to find fulfillment for himself. Both, seemingly, came with a long list of pros and cons. Both required action on Korekiyo’s part. The consequences of either choice left a bitter taste in his mouth. 

Amami had planted a seed and now Korekiyo had to decide whether he was going to tend to it and allow it to bloom or if he’d rip it out before it could take root. 

The part of him that had Sister’s will ingrained into him knew what the “ _right”_ thing to do was. The _right_ thing to do was to deny his selfish wants. The _right_ thing to do was to think of poor Sister and how he’d disrespected her. The _right_ thing to do was to punish himself until this parasite of autonomy was destroyed. 

It would be difficult and entirely unpleasant. No doubt the whole process of retraining himself to instantly deny even the mere whisperings of want would require immense self discipline, especially now that he’d had a taste. But it was what was fair. What was what was expected of him. What he _owed_ her. 

It would require strength, however it would please her and wasn’t that what Korekiyo’s only desire should be?

But Korekiyo always was weak. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And with that, the prologue is over and I can FINALLY get to actually writing the story! I’m sorry there was so much exposition as well as jumping around in this one. It was difficult for me to cover how much background there is without skipping around.  
> I hope it was comprehensive regardless.  
> I feel bad writing a suicide attempt but I felt it at least made sense given what led up to that moment in the prior chapter. I tried to keep it brief so that it wouldn’t take away anything from those who are not comfy reading it.  
> I made komaeda the manager because I think the idea of him running a flower shop is cute sorry. It’s really briefly mentioned cuz I didn’t want to make it too overbearing as he won’t have much relevance to the story over all.  
> But yah  
> On to the story uhhhhhhh :)

**Author's Note:**

> Ended up having to split the prologue into two parts because holy FUCK was it long on its own. I promise this thing won’t be all exposition FUCK HFHDHHFHFHFHHD anyways I actually have this thing mostly planned out which is a first for me so hopefully it actually goes somewhere but probably not.


End file.
